Claire’s birth and the series of medical and developmental issues that accompany her syndrome thrust us into a world I knew nothing about and never wanted to be a part of. The family and friends who supported and surrounded us also got a glimpse into the world of special needs and often struggled with how to help and support us. They often didn’t know what to do, what to say, or how to act around us, which made for awkward moments. Even nearly nine years later, some don’t quite know how to react to preteens who can’t talk or feed themselves, wear diapers, bite and pull hair, and use a wheelchair.

If someone you love, know, or even casually meet has a child with special needs, there are some things you can do to better support your friend.

1. Ask specific questions. I love when people ask about my children; all parents do it. When people ask how Claire’s siblings are doing, it’s easy to talk about how the baby is about to roll over or how my first grader has recently tackled reading chapter books. It’s even easy to talk about how my 4-year-old is going through a streak of being wildly independent and ask him for advice. But there’s always a lot going on with Claire, some good and some bad, and most of which no one without a special needs child can easily relate to. Asking specific questions makes it easier for me to know where to start. If you ask me how her physical therapy is going or if she’s learned any new cues, I’m more likely to say more than “good” since you’ve let me know what you’re interested in hearing and given me a starting point. .

2. Be inclusive. Although a child with a disability may have limitations in what he can do, there are probably still many things he can enjoy. Claire likes playgrounds and movies, but not all playgrounds and movies are appropriate for her. Asking us if we would like to meet at a playground that has adaptive equipment or watch a sensory screening of the latest children’s movie sends the message that she wants to include our entire family in outings. While I certainly don’t expect every activity to be planned around my daughter’s needs, putting a little more thought into how you can include her is a huge help.

3. Be respectful of parents’ needs. As much as I appreciate being asked about Claire and any attempts to include her, sometimes I need a break. Other times I need to vent. There are many times when things don’t go well: when she’s not reaching another milestone, when she’s facing another surgery, or when I’m facing another battle with insurance. During these times, she may be consumed with caring for her, and she may just need a break or she may need to talk for half an hour straight about a current struggle. If it seems like I don’t want to talk about Claire, I respect that I don’t want to think about special needs at that moment and would rather talk about what show I’m currently watching. Or, if I need to rant for half an hour about how Claire’s insurance denied coverage for her hearing aid, wheelchair, or ABA therapy, just play along. I’ll feel a lot better when I’m done.

4. Offer to help. Life can be overwhelming for everyone at times, but these moments tend to occur more frequently when you add a child with special needs and the stress that comes with caring for her into the mix. Offer to accompany a pediatric therapy session with a mom or dad who is still learning how to navigate the world of special needs,